nocturnlsnshine

nocturnlsnshine @ 2009-11-13T15:25:00

2009-11-13T20:25:37Z

Happy Friday the 13th everybody!

nocturnlsnshine @ 2009-06-08T17:50:00

2009-06-08T21:54:11Z

Note to self: do NOT get starbucks if you're trying to be healthy. O_O

It WAS a nice three hour walk to get everything done though! =D

On the bright size, I finally went up a cupsize... on the dark side, that could be because I've gained so much weight... haha Either way, I'll celebrate! xP

Alright, I guess I don't have anything to say nowadays.

That's just sad.

nocturnlsnshine @ 2009-06-06T13:59:00

2009-06-06T18:00:41Z

I've been so spacey lately. I don't know why. I don't want anybody to take it personally, because it isn't. I love you guys.

nocturnlsnshine @ 2009-06-03T19:17:00

2009-06-03T23:30:36Z

So I'm home for summer... Finally out of Helmira. And I think I'm not superstressed when that hellhole is mentioned now, thanks to my wonderful teacher. I was freaking out because my schedule was all fucky and there's a serious chance that I won't graduate on time (fuck that, I can't AFFORD to stay there another year, let alone handle it mentally/emotionally). I emailed MD freaking out and got a simple instant reply: "Drop ceramics. Ed courses are more important. We will work it out. Enjoy the summer. Make art. Keep me posted." He just made it... easy. Drop the course. We'll figure it out later. Have some fun. And so, I feel better. I figured out my work schedule for next year too. I think I can start enjoying the summer now.

I'm happy to be home. I missed you guys! I hated it there!

I still feel like there's something missing and I can't figure out what it is, but I'm feeling a bit better. whatever it is, I'll figure it out eventually. =P

I did something very cruel to Brian. By having him meet everybody at once (which was not my plan whatsoever), I basically just threw him to a pack of wolves. There was absolutely no chance for him to be liked. I knew you guys weren't going to like him, but he had a fighting chance if he met each of you individually first. It's almost impossible to get on people's good sides in a large group like that. Just not possible. I feel bad. Ohwell, it happened. Either way, you guys arent going to have to deal with him a lot because he wont be visiting very often (he has work five days a week- sad).

But I also have to say that first impressions aren't always right. It seems that the consensus is that he doesn't treat me right, which isn't true. Common misconception at first meeting.

I have to get out and DO SOMETHING. GAHHHHH.
I AM happy to be home... now I'm just RESTLESS. =P

nocturnlsnshine @ 2009-05-19T11:12:00

2009-05-19T15:31:48Z

I wish I could have been there.

I wanted to say goodbye. I wanted to see everyone. I wanted to lean on my friends. I wanted to be there for them to lean on me. I wanted to pay my respects. I WANTED TO SAY GOODBYE.

I was in tears all of yesterday. I hated that I was sitting through class when I should be somewhere more important. I couldn't stop thinking. About everything. About Max.

I don't even know what else to say right now.

nocturnlsnshine @ 2009-05-16T16:06:00

2009-05-16T20:09:46Z

I hadn’t talked to him in three years. We had never been particularly close… but here I am, losing my cool. When Miller told me that he was dead, I had no reaction. Actually, that’s a lie. My first reaction was relief; Miller had built it up so much that I was scared it was my dad or someone really close to me that died. When I found out that it was Max, I nearly let out a sigh of relief. Then I didn’t have any emotional reaction to the news at all. I thought maybe I just didn’t care. We were friends so long ago, and not even that good of friends at that, that I figured maybe I just didn’t have enough of an attachment left to get upset or emotional about the news. Then at the gym, I nearly started crying… I got back from the gym and Brian called and when I told him, I just lost it. I could hardly talk. Then he said, “well, you weren’t even friends with him, to be totally honest.” And I stopped wanting to talk to him. I mean, he’s right. Max and I weren’t friends anymore by now. I had no idea what was going on in his life. But he was only 22. And this wasn’t because of ANYTHING HE DID. Ryan says that he was finally getting his life on track… I know that was something he was having issues with last time I talked to him. This wasn’t because he was drunk. It wasn’t because he was doing drugs (I’m not saying he did drugs, I’m just using examples). It wasn’t because he wanted to die. It’s just an accident. A fire. A heavy sleeper. Everyone else gets out, but it’s too late for him and he doesn’t survive. It’s just… why? My mom died, but she WANTED to. Yeah, it still doesn’t make complete sense to me, but it was because of something SHE did, something SHE wanted. Max? He didn’t do anything to make this happen. It shouldn’t be his time yet. So young. Getting things together. Happy. So much potential, could have done so much more in his life. But times up. Doesn’t make sense. I don’t get it.

nocturnlsnshine @ 2009-05-13T02:54:00

2009-05-13T07:01:46Z

I was going through my journal (actual, not live journal) and I realized that I haven't really written in it in a while.... I wrote SO much during the beginning of the year.... long, detailed entries. It was the ending of my relationship with Tom and the beginning of my friendship-evolved-into-relationship with Brian and I was capturing every bit of it on paper as it was happening. Lately, I haven't written anything. I've probably written in LIVEJOURNAL more, but that's like my life censored (is that hard to believe?), so I feel like it isn't nearly as good to look back on. It doesn't mean as much.

I really want to make more of an effort to start writing real journal entries again. I don't want to have captured everything leading into this relationship and then miss the whole relationship! I don't want to miss everything about my friends and family! Everything keeps changing and growing and if I don't put down the impressions those things make as they are moving, I'll forget about them. I'll forget all about how things were and assume they were always as they were now... or that I always felt one way about something, when that's nearly never true.

nocturnlsnshine @ 2009-05-08T03:05:00

2009-05-08T07:36:29Z

I think 3 AM is my favourite time during the spring and summer. It's absolutely perfect. It isn't too early that there are still people out; people are already done partying, gone home, and are in bed. But it isn't too late that the sun is starting to change the sky, either. The temperature is nice and cool, and the air is heavy with the moisture that will become the morning dew. There's a harmonious combination of night insects and morning birds chirping. I think it's the most beautiful time that can be found.

Walking back from the studio tonight, I found that I missed two boys. The first is obvious: Brian. I wanted to sit and cuddle with him in the cool night. I wanted to be held and loved by him.

The other was Ryan. Smelling the air and hearing a freight train in the background made me want to be out walking around with him. I wanted to talk and walk and enjoy the craziness that is my time with Ryan.

Have I written about my painting ideas for this term? Other than the nature assignments (Ugh. x_x), a bunch of us in the Drawing and Painting from Nature class are trying to take the class as a waiver for Painting II. In order to do that, we have to produce about 5 oil paintings by the end of the term (about two weeks from now?) on top of the regular class assignments. This is definitely in NO way me bitching about these extra assignments. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm ecstatic about them! I've decided to do a series. It'll be an Alice series and I've never been so excited to paint something in my life. I did the underpainting for my first one tonight. Hopefully I'll finish the proliminary painting tomorrow night, and be done with it by Monday (but I have to remember to do the regular assignment which I am much less inspired to do).

Here's what I'm working on now:
It has one large sunflower in the top left corner/center. The petals aren't really realistic, more distorted and it's tilted down a little. Alice is in the center with almost a sideview of her face tilted up so she can smell the flower. One of the petals is wrapped around the back of her head, as if it's pulling her in. Another petal is curled as if it's caressing her chin. I'm not positive on her expression yet, but her eyes will be at least mostly closed. In the top right corner is another sunflower with the same type of distorted petals.

I have two other ideas for Alice paintings that I'm really excited to do, but the ideas are rougher than what I'm working on right now, not as well thought out. In one, I want to put Alice kind of... walking? along the underside of a flipped over mushroom (so she would either be really small, or the mushroom would be really big =P). Another, I want to have Alice walking down a deserted, lit street at night. That one I really have to work with the idea some more, but I'm excited, nonetheless.

Anyway, I'm going to go waste time not being productive now, so ta-ta! =P

nocturnlsnshine @ 2009-05-06T01:21:00

2009-05-06T05:34:57Z

So! I feel like I have to update, especially after leaving all of you with such a depressing one last. The last few (couple? few? several?) days have been good. I guess all I needed was a week or two (much closer to two) of awful depression to snap me back to life, shall we call it? These days have been pretty good. I'm working a lot now... and by a lot I mean every day but Friday for the next two weeks... which doesnt seem like a lot to you folks, I'm sure, but keeps in mind that I also juggle two studio classes and I have to make time for the gym every day.... it's quite intense sometimes. It's good though. I absolutely LOVE work, honestly. It keeps me happy. It even cheered me up a bit when I was massively depressed. and I mean "I think I might take this whole box of Nyquil" depressed.
Oh! Happy Cinco de Mayo, everyone! Or rather, it's not Cinco de Mayo anymore, but it is to me because I'm still awake.
I may be slightly intoxicated. And by may be, I mean I am. And by slightly.... err...
What else, what else? I have five minutes or less to finish this entry! Brian promised he'd call back by 1:30 and it's 1:25 now. And he has yet to break a promise to me EVER.
I had a great time tonight. I almost didnt' go out but Brian encouraged me to, very much. He's finally getting to know me, I think. Finally. Yes, finally. I don't think he really knew me when we started dating... which is sad because really, two weeks/? Yeah... two weeks. I'm easy, apparently. Er. not really, just for him, it seems. Er. anyway.

Which is weird because he told me he loved me by then, too. But if he didn't know me, how could he know that?

Anyway, a lot of fun tonight. I didn't hang out with the usual people, but I made some friends! I went to hang out and drink in Julien's room (He's nice, but I never really liked him much because he creeps me out - and he reminds me of Adam, I decided, which is probably another reason I didn't like him very much)... had a lot of fun. Julien is okay in my back from tonight on! Alek, a kid I was almost friends with in the beginning of last year.... his girlfriend who was really cool... my friend Amanda, my roommate, my other acquaintance Amanda (now friend?) and her friend Kristin (whose number I got -she was really cute, but shhh)... I don't think I missed anybody important. Waterpong (just as fun as beer pong minus the trouble! =P) and Kings... and Rock Band (Ron showed up for Rock Band, which was GREAT. I adore that kid SO much! And he was drunk, which was funny because I've never seen him drunk before. =P) It was just a good time. I kept losing/ almost losing Never-Have-I-Ever.... it seems that I've done a lot more things than I realized... especially since I've met Brian Gersh.

!! Asshole still hasn't called back! He broke his first promise to me EVER. Wow. What a lame promise to break, too.

Kristin and I (and other people?) are going to take Amanda to Chill on Saturday for her first Chill experience!

Oh, oops, Brian's BEEN calling. oh, time to call back!

nocturnlsnshine @ 2009-04-25T23:08:00

2009-04-26T03:14:02Z

It's a beautiful day today. I got my first burn of the season! I was outside by the puddle painting with my class. It was a lot of fun... I'm surprised that I actually started and finished a 16x24 painting in such short amount of time. Sure, it's kind of shitty, but it was my first trying to accomplish something sitting outside and looking, rather than looking at a picture and taking my time.

I'm quite content right now. I mean, I still hate it here, but I'm not miserable at the moment. =P

The weather is absolutely GORGEOUS tonight (it was gorgeous today too, but very sunny and very hot... sunscreen was on and I STILL felt like I was burning horribly!). Warm and cool, you know?

Work was nice today. Or, it was work, but I like it. I've explained that before. xP Adam stopped by and we chatted for a bit... the girls stopped in for a few minutes, too. After work I went and played Life with everybody, which was fun. I was a stripper who lived in a mobile home with my lesbian life partner and (eventually) my five kids. Oh Life. xP

I don't know, there's nothing interesting, per se. I'm just chilled out, you know?

I do wish he was here right now though. I really miss him already... Can we be done with that whole long-distance thing already? =(

Believe it if you need it...

2009-04-23T21:10:21Z

So! I had an eventful day and a half/ two days. The Dead concert was last night... AMAZING. Truly, it was. I met a few quintessential deadheads on the bus to Wilkes-Barre. Disco and Rags? Yes, amazing. I met the Kelly at the bus station in WB and we ended up sticking with the three deadheads from the bus for a bit. Rags found us a ride over to the show (just some guy with an awesome accent who was looking for $20... between 5 of us that was perfect!)... so the five of us (three guys and me and Kel) piled into this tiny car. The driver was so chill. We split from the guys after that and hung around the parking lot. It was so wonderful, guys. Just tents and tents of people selling beautiful skirts, tye-dye, food (lots of veggie food- I was happy!), beer, bowls, and of course Grateful Dead EVERYTHING. And of course there was Grateful Dead playing from speakers! It was just such a great atmosphere. Everyone was so chill and just didn't care... unfortunately, that's why I got stupid and now have to pay an unfun ticket. I failed to remember that, while everyone else there was mad chill, the cops wouldn't leave deadheads unsupervised forever... We were there about an hour before there was any trouble, but cops out of uniform busted Kelly and me for drinking underage. Buuuuullshit. I saved us from going to jail and missing the show, at least. Oh my honest upbringing... I couldn't lie to the pig. I really don't even care about the ticket. I didn't care while it was happening, really, either. I had just finished my drink anyway haha. The dick cop wouldn't send the ticket to my school, so my dad's gonna know about it. I can't imagine he'll get too pissed. I'll be paying it myself. I didn't really do anything bad. I'm 20. Also, I've never gotten in trouble before, so it's not a big deal. I'm just wondering if I should tell him before he finds out from the ticket... [shrug]

Well! The show! We went in... and it turned out that THERE WERE NO BAD SEATS! The place was much smaller than I had thought it was and we were in a wonderful spot. I've never seen so many people lighting up at an indoor concert before (or any concert, for that matter). It made me smile. Everyone around us except the squares (oh my god, I really just said squares??) behind us and the family in front of us, but there were three groups in front of us who was smoking up and a group behind us. And I had to chuckle at all the smoke and flash of lighters throughout the whole crowd. I didn't smoke at all, even though I was offered. I already just felt so amazing BEING there... just dancing and loving EVERYTHING. They even played a cover of Revolution, which totally took me offguard in the best possible way! I got to see the Dead playing one of my favourite Beatles songs? YES! It was just such a great show...

They ended the show with "Box of Rain"... I think that's one of my favourite Dead songs...

After the show, I decided I didn't want to wait until the 23rd (today) at 2:20 in the afternoon to catch a bus home and miss my Marc Dennis class (and work), so I held up a sign ("ITHACA, NY?") and walked around until I was lucky enough to find someone willing to give me a ride. Kelly tried to do the same for the city, but to no avail. It wasn't that bad for her though cuz her bus was at 4AM. anyway, so I got a ride by this super religious community that Brian once warned me never to talk to. They were all SUPER nice and I loved them, but I understand why Brian advised me to stay away from them. They're really nice so I don't want to sound mean, but they can seem very cultish. But they're so sweet! I wouldn't convert, but I can respect them. They love to help people. They drove me all the way to Ithaca and even dropped me off at the campus. ^_^

Marc Dennis agreed to give me a ride to the school in the morning if I could get over to Rt 13 before 8. I managed to get over there... a 4.2 mile walk in the cold, wind, and rain. Wearing my holy moccassins. I felt like dying. I got to Wegman's (it's on 13) around 6, passed out on the bench (by accident), and must have looked awful and homeless... by 7 the workers got worried and came over to me asking if I was waiting for someone, if I had slept there overnight, etc. Marc got there by 8 and I was officially by on campus before 9AM! Take THAT Shortline Bus, you motherfucker. You said I couldn't get there before 7.15 in the evening. HA! Oh hitchhiking and amazing professors.

I love my life.

nocturnlsnshine @ 2009-04-19T22:36:00

2009-04-20T02:37:51Z

A person should not be able to hate a place as much as I hate it here.

<./entry>

nocturnlsnshine @ 2009-04-09T08:16:00

2009-04-09T12:22:58Z

So I've been up all night. You'd think I'd be in a shittier mood. I should at LEAST be cranky, right? I'm tired, but other than that, I'm fine. I felt totally badass drinking my orange juice, walking with my back to the sunrise.... and then I realized that I felt badass and decided I probably shouldn't. That's just too weird of a time to think you're cool. hahaha.

I'm going home in a few hours! I'm so insanely happy about that. I can't wait to see you guys. Friday, hanging out must happen. I like Josie's cookie idea to begin the day! =P

I'm almost all packed. I finished my American Lit paper (final), I handed in my portfolio (I have to go back and make sure he has my beetle study though... I can't find it =().... I actually managed to finish my drawing final?! I don't know how. I honestly thought I wouldn't have enough time. Yet, I finished with time to spare, apparently! I even SHOWERED! I feel wonderful and clean and I'm about to go on spring break. ^_^

My good mood may be in part because of finally having a resolution with Sir Thomas. I finally feel like we can really be friends again, you know? I called him at like. 3 in the morning. I had to. Things are better now.

I get to see my dad and wonderful friends today! And more friends tomorrow! And my Brian tomorrow evening/night!

Life is wonderful. Amazingly wonderful. ^_^

nocturnlsnshine @ 2009-04-08T15:47:00

2009-04-08T19:58:09Z

I'm going home TOMORROW! All I have left to do (other than that philosophy of ed paper I refuse to think about =X) is my drawing final, which I'm going to finish tonight - not that I have another choice... it IS due tomorrow morning. xP I'm going to go over to the studio after work and I'll work all night if I have to... I do have a lot to do with it. I've been avoiding it for some reason. I think it's because I pretty much finished the most interesting part to me (the face) and now I have to work on the lion. Oh well, I'll get it done. I really need some coloured pencils or crayons though!

I think I'm going to go play DDR for a bit before work! =D

Topic: Emotional cheating

2009-04-07T19:46:40Z

Does it exist? Explain.

Where is my mind?

2009-04-07T17:53:37Z

I just went from being absolutely infuriated and frustrated to... a pretty decent, cheery mood. In no time flat. There was no transition, no OKAY mood. Just pure NEGATIVITY to contentment. I have no idea how that happened....

Basically, I got upset before my final writing in my journal about something. Overreacting upset, probably. Pretty much definitely (guys, my self esteem is suffering horribly. I don't know how to handle how low it is about some things right now.) overreacting. So then I took my Art History final that I studied my ASS off for... just to find out that I didn't study ENOUGH. Or rather, I didnt' study everything that I needed to, apparently. Oh, that and some of the things were not in the book (what I studied from) but were only mentioned in CLASS. And since I never listened during CLASS, I was fucked for those. So I flipped out about my final.

I don't flip out about tests.

I don't CARE about tests.

So basically, today has been a very odd emotional ride. anybody have any reasons this happened? Because it's so weird for me.

It could have a lot to do with my dying self-esteem... Nothing usually bothers me, but I usually feel better about myself. And when I feel good about myself, I'm much stronger in everything else in my life (is that weird?). However, my self esteem shouldn't be as low as it is and, thus, I can't help but think that there's a different cause. Something's causing me to feel crappy about me, which is fucking me up emotionally in everything else. So what's that something? I have no idea. It's annoying and it needs to stop. xP

Well either way, I'm feeling better for the most part. Just don't tell that my look aren't up to par because that I'm not feeling good enough to deal with. Thank you and have a fabulous day.

Stop and stare

2009-04-05T02:27:04Z

Tonight was massively busy at work today. Well, for 1855 and ME, it was. There were two other people who were supposed to be at lines with me... guess how many there were for the majority of the night? None. That's right. For most of the night, I was alone to do 1855's TRILLION orders of pasta, as well as all of Mack's. It was a good time! Actually, it wasn't that bad... it kept me (super) busy so I didn't keep looking at my clock.... that's a good thing. It really wasn't a bad day at work for me, overall. Just uber hectic.

Other than that, not really much in my life nowadays. I have a crapload of homework I need to get going on, but you guys know me. I'm... me! haha. It's just FINALS [rolls eyes]. Of course I'm watching HOUSE instead... xP Well, I did do SOME work today. I read about half of what my art history final will be on. Now I just have to read the other half and then STUDY it. haha

Hmm. Yup, things are dull here.

Saw Fight Club for the first time... I enjoyed it thoroughly...

Alright, I'm giving up on writing now....

Do re mi fa so....

2009-04-03T23:13:50Z

I'm still suffering from an addiction to House (or should I say enjoying?). Other than that? Not much. xP

I think my hormones are all crazy because I started tearing up to a video that should have no way elicited such a response. It was totally cute and happy! Check it out: Joy! Ohwell, this isn't nearly as bad as it was made out to be. I heard that the first month is AWFUL. So not true.

Sadly, I'm feeling very negligent toward my lj right now... so this is all for now!

Time for a change...

2009-04-02T18:19:01Z

I had my old livejournal since the 9th grade. It has been there through all of the most traumatizing moments in my life, as well as through many amazing ones. However, as with everything in life, change is inevitable. I changed a lot through those five years as ashtraygirlx. Now I don't feel like I identify with it anymore. I'm ready to move on to something new.

A complex explanation for getting a new username, huh?